Lean on Me: Stronger Together

"Lean on me, when you're not strong.

And I'll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on...

For, it won't be long, ‘till I'm gonna need

somebody to lean on.”

- Bill Withers

Why is it often so difficult for us to ask for help?

As a survivor-thriver of a rare bone cancer, one of my passions is helping newly diagnosed cancer patients navigate those initial months after their World Is Rocked. When it feels like the rug is pulled out from underneath life as they know it, I have the breathtaking privilege of helping them begin to figure out how to stay standing. The other evening I called Kamika, who had just completed treatment and was struggling to regain her balance.   

“Oh, I’m so glad you called,” she said. “I’ve been in a total funk these past few weeks. I go to work then come straight home and crawl right under the covers.”

“Kam,” I said, “you know you can call me anytime. I want you to call me.”

“I know, I know,” she said. “I don’t know why I retreat like this. I guess I figure I should be able to manage this on my own. And I know you’re busy. I didn’t want to bother you.”

I didn’t want to bother you.

Have you ever suffered alone because you didn’t want to burden or bother another?

Or maybe you’re proud, an achiever who feels that you should be strong enough to handle things on your own?

I used to think that suffering in silence meant I was stronger, and that asking for help was an admission of defeat, a sign of weakness.

But here’s what life has taught me:

Reaching out to another for help doesn’t come from weakness.

It comes from strength.

Let’s flip this whole Leaning On thing around for a minute:

• Can you think of a time when you helped another person during a difficult time?

• How did helping them make you feel?

I’m guessing you felt wonderful, needed, fulfilled, right?

Giving makes us happy.

So why do we think that others won’t feel happy to help us when we need it?

From the moment we are born, we are social creatures who thrive together, and fail in isolation. Study after study reports data that quantifies the effect of loneliness and isolation on our levels of happiness, mental wellbeing, sense of purpose and longevity. Science backs up what we already know to be true:

We need each other.

The Pact

My People and I have a pact: In our darkest moments, we reach out to another.

We promise not to let pride or fear of being a burden stop us from saying those four powerful words:

“I need your help.”

We often feel uncomfortable with things that we can't fix, problems we can't solve. Grief, loss, illness, trauma make us feel uncomfortable. Because we feel there's nothing we can say or do that will fix it.

And it’s also dark and scary stuff. No one wants to dive into that. It takes courage to sit with someone in the dark.

Not knowing what to say is not an excuse

for not reaching when someone is hurting.

When my friend Natasha’s sister was dying, the mom of one of her daughter’s friends came and sat with her, holding her hand, while the doctor gave her the dire news. “She didn’t say a thing,” Natasha told me. “Not one word. She just sat there with me holding my hand the entire time.” Her voice broke. “I didn’t even know her that well. But I will never, ever forget how much that meant to me.”   

We don’t always need to fix things.

Sometimes just being there brings strength and comfort. That’s often what matters most. Your People make your problems their problems, just so you don’t have to go through it alone.

Even if we don’t know what would help in the moment, even if we know that no one can help — that’s when it’s most important to reach out.

When I received the cancer diagnosis, it was the genuine, heartfelt messages that touched me the most.

“I don’t even know what to say right now, except that this sucks. It’s not fair.”

“You are strong, you are brave and you are in my heart.”

“I’m here for you. I love you.”

Those words, simple yet filled with love, meant the most to me.

Before Kam and I hung up from our call that evening, I asked her, “Kam, why don’t we agree to set a time limit on how long you want to tough things out alone. Then if, after that time passes and you’re still feeling down, promise me you’ll reach out to me or one of Your People for support. How much time do you think you’ll need?”

“48 hours,” she said definitively. “That’s about as long as I’m willing to take to try to figure it out on my own. After that, I’ll call you. Promise.”

Brilliant.

Because in the end, it’s never a burden to be there for Our People.

It’s a privilege and a gift to hold them up as they lean on us.

As we have, so many times, leaned on them.

Stay Strong. Stay Kind.

With so much love,

Susan

Happiness Practice

Promise me, promise yourself, that you will not go it alone, especially when Life feels unbearably difficult.

1. Who is someone you can reach out to during difficult times? For support, for assistance, for empathy and compassion?

2. Who believes in you and reminds you of your best, strongest self when it's hard for even you to remember?

3. Can you make a pact, a promise to each other, that you will reach out for help if you are hurting, or floundering?  How much time will you soldier on solo before reaching out?

4. Is there someone in your life who is hurting? How can you reach out to them, to help? Is there something you can do for them to show them how much you care? Can you just listen or sit quietly with them?

“What's the bravest thing you ever said?” asked the boy.

“Help” said the horse.

— Charley Mackesy,

From his lovely and brilliant little book, “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse”

Interested in bringing Susan and Decide Happy to your organization to help your team feel more positive, calm, and strong in a crazy world?

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