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Both Can Be True: Giving Yourself Some Grace When Things Get Tough
Updated: 22 hours ago
“Oh my gosh, Susan,” said Lisa, “I know it’s barely even fall but, seriously, can this year be over already?”
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Before sharing my friend’s story, there are a few things you should know about Lisa. She is one of the smartest, high-achieving, empathetic and optimistic leaders I know. This woman handles stress with a smile on her face and grace in her heart. There’s something magnetic about Lisa’s unique combination of wisdom, warmth and practical insight that draws people to her. She somehow reminds you of your strengths when you feel weak, and your light when your world is at its darkest.
But recently, she’d been hit with a relentless stack of tough stuff.
Over the past few months, two of her beloved cats, Molly and Archie, died within months of each other.
Soon after, she was diagnosed with a weird, rare eye condition called “retinal lattice” (which sounds lovely but decidedly is not) and required emergency, same-day eye surgery.
Then, while she was outside for a run to work off some stress, her foot caught a corner of uneven pavement, sending her flying and leaving her with a broken shoulder.
All this while handling a lot of change at work.
And then, just when she thought things couldn’t get any worse, another driver ran a red light and collided with her vehicle.
And totaled her car.
On her birthday.
“I’m always the one taking care of others and helping them stay positive. But you know what, Susan?” she said. “The truth is… I’m sad.”
She paused for a moment. “I said to my husband last night, ‘Can I just whine for a little bit?’”
“Did it help?” I asked.
“Yes!,” she laughed. “It did. And then I heard your voice in my head. Well, I thought, I can continue to whine and complain, or I can Decide Happy and choose a different response.
"So I decided.
“I’m grateful that I had Molly and Archie to love all of those years. I’m thankful that they fixed the problem with my eye. I could have needed surgery for my broken shoulder, but I didn’t. I could have been seriously injured in that car accident, but I walked away from it.
“I’m sad, but I’m also immensely grateful. Both can be true.”
Both can be true.
I love that.
The past few months had been awful for my friend. And yet, there were also so many moments of grace.
When life gets hard, we often make things more difficult by playing an emotional game of tug of war with ourselves. We think we should be stronger, more resilient, grateful for all we have. Then we get frustrated with ourselves for feeling sad, discouraged, angry, or overwhelmed in the first place.
And that creates even more stress. Now we’re not only dealing with whatever is hard—we’re fighting our own natural reaction to it.
We tell ourselves to buck up: Toughen up, buttercup! Get over it. Look on the bright side. Other people have it worse...
But someone else having it worse doesn’t mean that what we’re going through isn’t hard.
And feeling grateful doesn’t mean we’re no longer allowed to hurt.
Uncomfortable feelings don’t go away because we argue with them.
In fact, trying to force ourselves out of a tough emotion can make it feel even harder.
But we don’t have to choose between sad and grateful.
We can feel both.
We can both struggle and feel hopeful.
We can be the strong one others count on, and still need someone to lean on ourselves.
We can acknowledge the suck, without allowing it to become our full story.
We can allow ourselves to feel it all, to mourn the loss and acknowledge the pain, and still choose to take our next step forward with grace.
Both can be true.
Stay Strong. Stay Kind.
With so much love,
Susan
Happiness Practice
The next time life feels heavy, instead of trying to force yourself to feel differently, ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now that I can acknowledge, without fixing or judging it?
The next time you catch yourself thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try replacing it with: “It makes sense that I feel this way—and what else is also true?”
If you widened the lens, what moments of grace, gratitude, or strength might you see?
Make room for “and”:
“I’m grieving, and I’m grateful for the love we shared.”
"I'm afraid and I can take a step forward."
“I’m overwhelmed, and I can ask for help.”
“I’m uncertain about what comes next, and I can choose something that helps me today.”
Both can be true.
For a "just-in-time" guide for less stress, more joy - check out Decide Happy, available in paperback, e-book and audio wherever books are sold, including Amazon.
I'm so excited about this!!
I'm back in the happy, turquoise studio, recording Real-Life Extraordinary!
So many of you have been asking me to record an audio version. With everything going on in life, it takes me longer than it would a dedicated voice actor, but your feedback overwhelmingly wanted my voice again (a fact that my husband, Tim, finds amusing!)
And I've learned that the most worthwhile things in life usually take time. Plus I'm having so much fun!
Stay tuned...!
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